when you missed happiness in your life.
you will just find all means to make yourself happier.
irregardless of the cost involved.
i'm sorry cali.
and you better freaking bowl well with raid.
but, i'm still irrational now. period.
i didn't wanna comment on this.. but here it goes.
i feel like a evil person.
i know i'm irrational. i know i have been ignoring my dear cali because she drilled the ball i like. and yes i'm uber irrational now.
i have my eyes on a bowling ball, raid for a very long time, probably 2 years? plus it's like the same series with gamebreaker (how you know i love my gamebreaker to the core) and it has always been in d shop like forever (yes, because of me). looking for a chance to drill (trying to justify the spending), but i always ended up with other balls that supposedly work better for me given certain circumstances (still the money was set aside for raid). and yesterday my offer to buy the ball was rejected by d, and yes mentioned that it was lp's favourite ball.. i know many of you find it ridiculous that i cry over raid. i didn't know that i have such a big reaction over this issue, i didn't know that i will behave like that. (alright's i have always been thinking that the raid will be mine one day.. no other raid, just the only 14 pounds in d shop.)
i know a lot of you guys are affected by my behaviour. but what's the point of keep telling me that i shouldn't behave like this as i will ruin the relationship with cali, when of course i will defend for myself (and it's getting more irritating). when your "like" is gone, how you expect me to behave as per normal. i hate it the most when i should have just bought it in the first place, probably even before wrath. this is how i process the death of raid, first is of course raid is not mine and next will be start blaming oneself for why i didn't just buy that in the first place.
i have nothing against cali. no one is a victim here and no one is at fault. i didn't want to make things awkward (you think that i want to make myself and cali feel like crap today in training and of course bowl like crap). i didn't know that my heart will ache when i know that i can't buy/have raid. i was still comtemplating if i should go training today cause i know how i will react. it's just that i just can't stand looking at raid on the ball return rack and not owning it, knowing that i should have drill it earlier.
i don't know why i'm so obsessed with raid. it's just bowling. it's just me (i once abandoned bowling, but now it makes a different sense to me). when i like something, it just meant a lot to me. when i can't have something, i need a longer time to comprehend.
you think that i want to make a big hoo-ha out of this.. then just stop asking me how i feel or tell me how i should or shouldn't go about doing things. i'm irritional, angry, pissed, blinded. if bowling didn't hold such priority to me, you think i give crap about buying balls? guard? go milo? go uitm? blah blah? i could have just used the money to buy myself many other things.
probably.. why should i be so bothered about bowling so much..
i think i need to pace myself for bowling.
bowling too much causes the lost of concentration and the increasing the possibility of me flying into the lane.
i'm tired.
somehow today is a emo day?
random people with random grumbles..
here's my guard!
at first i wanted to bling the whole center section, but i think it may be too much..
and now.. i feel like bedazzling everything i see!
spend the afternoon to bling up my new metal bowling guard with swarovski crystals! i might be just a little carried away..
had 4 hours of sep today.. which kinda in turn goes to the fund for my new metal guard. though i have always been avoiding wearing a metal guard, at this point in time it's probably for my best interest. went to d shop to try out a shorter span with my old ball. so proud of myself for not getting lost on the road. was this little tempted to get the team storm spare ball, so little tempted.
tried the ball with a one-to-one consultation with d. will have to adapt to a few changes to my timing.. and yes, a good timing doesn't make you drift much (only 3 boards right today). yes, drifting has been a issue to me. i knew that previously when i take the first shot, i drift 5 boards right and when i take spare shot, drift 1 board right. lolz~ i know i'm ridiculous.
patience + confidence is the key.
gosh, badminton was great! good workout done. cause i'm dropping dead now (really scratched every inch of my muscles). should do this on a regular basis.
will have a good night rest tonight.
力不从心。
讨厌此刻的我。
时间越过越快。。
bowled without a soul today.
speechless by my actions.
damn.
damn.
damn.
i hate myself.
i hate this feeling again.
start of many sleepless nights again.
damn...
i drive myself to town for some retail therapy today! and yes, all alone. alrights, love shopping alone which means that i will tend to spend a lot too. i got my lv neverfull (yeh!), a pair of track shoe, the dkny fresh blossom perfume and a top! retail therapy rocks, but i freaking hate traffic.
freaking spend 1 hour to reach occ from my place cause of the jam at bke. then i freaking rush to the lanes and just in time for the practice throw. i came with a target of 210 average for tonight. i know it's crazy but i need it badly after disappointing myself so much in the first 6 games at a freaking 124 average (which adds on to the countless restless nights i have been having). hence a 210 will at least pull my average to a 150. however, mission not accomplished. i bowled a 192, 203 and then a freaking 133 (slaps myself). gosh, really hate myself for the third game.. i need 1 more chance, 1 more attempt to try for a 215 average, then i can push myself into a 160 average. haiz moody.. i want to bowl the masters..
i officially hate the 3 step drill. i'm so cycle-motor in doing it. and it's everytime!!! it's like i can clearly teach others how to do the 3 steps drill but me! omg, the steps shuffle shuffle, plus the uber late timing. it's really irritating. everytime i do 3 step drill, i will have a very late timing plus a "i accelerated the ball in my backswing coming to the front". and then moving on from there to 5 steps, and yes the timing become late again. damn it. i know that 3 step drill is suppose to aid my bowling, but somehow i just can't coordinate.. argh~
yes, lately i have been in bowling madness. cause i'm not able to forgive myself for the "recent thumb stuck" problem. it's like it shouldn't even be a problem to start with. and yes, i need to take away this fear and build back my confidence again. forcing myself to tighten the thumb hole and try to bowl as frequently as possible. yes, indeed i force myself. just like how i forced myself to reduce my drift.
can't tolerate me not bowling well when i know i should.
bowling makes a person. at least it made me a better person.
i wonder if i have healed. i wonder if i'm still living in denial. i wonder if i'm attempting to make myself tired nowadays so that i will sleep better at night. i thought i have grown up. i thought i have become more sensible.
i don't wish to be damaged anymore.
i don't speak emo.
i don't wish to speak emo.
angry with myself.
resentment.
i have manage to make peace with myself with regards to my screw up bowling lately. first step is to convince myself that i'm better than all else that makes me bowl like crap. second is to start training for uitm selection in 9 hours later. i felt the need, urge and urgency to push myself harder. cause i don't wish to feel that i'm wasting my potential. seriously, bowling bad is not forgivable. dumb bowling is also not acceptable.
clear the mind and don't hold back.