in the end i still went for training. trained with my dearest gamebreaker which i have yet to use for months.. there's this part of me that doesn't allow myself to give in just because i'm gripping my ball lately. and i love doing drills. yes, i do. though sometimes i'm a bit cycle-motor with the drills.
need to push myself harder and not let "me" hinder me. convincing myself that it is just a small setback and to overcome this fear. thanks to eric's arrangement that i don't need to bowl league this week.. there's still this uncertainty.. hesitation.. in me. raws~ picking up my confidence bit by bit.. or rather be more daring..
i'm so sick and tired of having a phobia with regards to the thumb hole. it's so damn irritating that i either grip the ball or i drop the ball. it's like before sunig this happens.. during sunig this happens.. after sunig again.. sooner or later i'm just gonna snap. disgusted.
i felt an absence of intelligence in me and that time really flies. contemplating about the bowling events in december versus the number of lectures that i'm going to miss. weighing the worthiness in striving. really hate starting school cause it's so damn crowded. by the way, i'm not emo.
have been reviewing my past actions and thoughts with regards to bowling.. and every year at this point in time, i will be asking myself why i'm i still bowling.
have been reflecting what happened for the past few days.. dropping from team 1 to 2 on thurs and needed to play sunig on sat. maybe i need time to process my feelings.. maybe i was in denial.. by now i can fully understand why fit needs to seek for an explanation. i wasn't mad or pissed for the decision.. i felt that it could have been avoided. decisions could have been made later and finalised later. it's hurtful and it breaks people.. it's just unnecessary.
felt that the last saturday.. i didn't push myself enough, i was overly cautious and did not stretch my potential. and yes, the whole day was about gripping the ball and release the grip upon deliver. reflecting back, i quoted "my blood is boiling".. cause i shouldn't be worrying about this anymore. i failed to answer to the promise i made to myself.
thanks to all my closest friends who came down and watched me bowl for the whole day, you know who you are. fitria calls them my "unsung heroes", disappearing during the breaks and come back when the game started.. the important people in my life. it's valuable to listen to their feedback after every block i played as they probably have a clearer picture while standing at the back. yes, they feed me with words i need to hear and not words that i want to hear, irregardless of whether they are bowlers or not. "you seems to be very cautious".. "too scattered, work as a team".. "reflect and move on to the next frame".. these could be simple advices, but at the right time when i needed to be reminded of all this, they are the best persons.. with a busy coach and team mates who are occupying themselves with anxious thought, listening to them do clear the mind.
again.. thanks for making the effort to come down and all the encouraging sms-es in every step of the way. because of these friends, i became a better person and a better bowler.
you sucks.
and it just sucks.
but i'm now out to kill..
converting all screw up feelings to focus.
i know what i'm capable of.
eyes on the goal.
relax and focus.
3 days to sunig..
some family restructuring at home. sobs..
mum will work with dad
= no meals at home. (and yes,i'm actually ask me to cook. =.=)
= will miss home cooked food.
= have to eat outside.
= don't go home also nobody knows
= can be a spoilt brat
5 days to sunig..
9 days to school reopen..
hopefully by then i don't need to go public..
didn't do a good job filtering thoughts while on the approach.
i know i'm improving.
just have to trust myself more.
no doubts and just focus.
and pick up spares..
no excuses.
10 days to sunig.
爱自己多一点吧。。
对自己好一点吧。。
无法释怀的抛开吧。。
累了就休息吧。。
闷了就自我陶醉吧。。
watch time traveller's wife with ryan today. it's really a nice romance movie. something different something sweet and certain dialogues are quite funny. love it!
hmm.. i feel a weird vibe from my dad. my dad hinted me.. i got a feeling that dad is seriously considering to get a new car like next year. probably 2 weeks ago there's a discussion on this which i kinda shot it down. just like how i shot down the idea of the iphone (hello~ i haven't got iphone, you buy iphone, of course not! how can dad be more tech savvy than me.. neh~) and laptop (okay, whatever~ which i've purposely not scouting yet..). it's like "you don't even need a new car".. Man! =.= shall wait and watch for any weird movements from my dad.
Being more positive now and more patient.
Calm decisions..
There is no such thing as thumb stuck in my dictionary.
Counting down 2 weeks..
Exam results - checked (finally!!)
NCAP - checked (no more NCAP!!)
Tuition - checked (woo hoo~)
Bowling - checked (no thumb stuck!!)
Omg~ too high liao!
Today's ncap exam is really a test of who flipped the notes the fastest and got the most accurate answer!
counting down to sunig in 5 more training sessions.
need to bowl more on my own.
need to trust myself in sparing.
need to trust my instinct.
need to focus more.
need to learn to shut all other negative thoughts better.
and rise above all..